Hiring a Doula
I’m looking for a doula. A doula for me.
There’s so much to say about this – so many different roads, rabbit holes, to go down. But here’s the truth of what I feel when I can’t make up my mind about anything: My work with people dying or struggling with tremendous grief calls me always, yet I am also one of those people. Jonathan (my amazing husband of thirty-five years – see obligatory young and in love picture below) has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. WHAT DOES A DEATH DOULA DO WITH THAT?
End-of-life Doula Offering Care to Person Dying
Well, first I plunged into action mode…watching everything he did, posturing myself so I would be “present” if I felt he was struggling, reaching out to every contact I had (and I have A LOT) to put the plan together, dealing with the ups and downs of my own grief, my children, all the while second guessing myself with comments like:
“How do I do this?”
“When do I take over and make all decisions?”
“I don’t want to make all the decisions.”
“When does he stop driving?”
"When..." "When..." "When..."
It’s maddening, and some days I feel I can’t contain the grief inside me. But, it’s “in sickness and health…until death do us part.”
This photo encapsulates the love that we have for one another. I am immensely grateful and blessed. My brain swirls with thoughts like: “Are you crazy? Stop thinking about the ultimate end, the loss of what was SUPPOSED to be!” But let me just say: we’ve had a life! A life of beautiful times and TONS OF CHALLENGES, and our golden years were supposed to be ours. And, of course, there’s the issue of me knowing almost every alternative method or protocol or food or exercise, and HE’S NOT ON THE SAME PAGE!
“How could he not? How could he not do everything possible to MAYBE reverse the debilitating process of this disease? If it were me, I would!”
There’s the secret anger I harbor because he’s not doing everything…Boy does that create guilt, extreme sadness and the feeling that I will never ever in a million years be able to escape this dread and pain.
Now…yes…I know…live in the present, take it day by day. That’s a wonderful spot to be, but every time that he asks me the same question over and over and EVERY TIME that I answer as if it’s the first time….I feel blessed because I’m learning extreme patience, yet simultaneously it breaks my heart slowly and surely. It’s the breaking heart that is painfully excessive and debilitating.
I don’t know what I’m trying to share with you except that to be heard is HUGE!!!! This place where I feel I can share without being judged. Even if you do judge me, know that you are loved as part of the same creator/creation, and that’s enough for me. We don’t need to be best friends.
Until next time. Thank you for sharing this space with me and I look forward to hearing about you and yours. Sad stories and Happy ones are oh SO WELCOME!
Blessings from my heart to yours. Holly.
P.S. This is where I was not long ago. Now things have shifted, and Jonathan is doing all he can. I'm so very thankful!
